DICKY SALT & PEPPER SHAKERS

Üks arvamus ↓

• Anand

  Hinne

  Ei hinnanud

  if I defend mylsef she will call the police on me and have me arrested, but it’s okay for her to attack me. She gets in my face and when she acts violent I hold her back. She’s had me cornered against the wall before though. I usually remain calm during her outburst because quite honestly I’ve tried every approach with her-yelling back, fighting back, trying to reason with her, staying quiet and walking away and talking about it when she’s calm. Nothing works, so I just remain calm to keep mylsef as relaxed as I can be so it doesn’t hurt me further, health wise. I decided to keep a log of all her outburst (yelling, screaming, hitting, ect.) and I found that in one month she had 95 outburst of rage. Sometimes she makes fun of my health problems and does reinactments of me being sick. If I come to her with a concern of mine she always ends up making the conversation about her and her problems. Even though I have told my mother how deeply she has hurt me with her words and actions to the point that I have contemplated suicide in the past it’s pointless. That’s why I’ve decided to get away from her because I can’t have a relationship with someone who thinks nothing me and has no consideration for me as a human being. I think more of mylsef than to put up with that. Everyone out in public think my mother is the sweetest, most charming woman and a wonderful mother to me that I should treat with the upmost respect. She tells strangers her life problems and starts crying and they all feel sorry for her. She misquotes me and makes up things that I never said and tells people I them. She also tries to make look bad in front of others and make them turn against me. She even tries to get my own friends to laugh me either at something I did that wasn’t intended to be funny or about something that is important to me. At the same, she wants me to end my relationships with all my friends because she thinks I like them more than her and that they are trying to come between my mother and I even though they are not. She also thinks they know me better than she does which makes her angry and makes her cry. But any information she finds out about me or my friends she eventually uses it against me in the future at a time when I am most vunerable. She tries to listen into my phone conversations and demands to know what was said if she doesn’t listen in. I’ve had trouble sleeping for a few years and she tells me I’m just trying to be rebellious because I suffer from insomnia and when I am finally able to relax and go to sleep within two or three hours she is beating on my door and screaming out my name. I wake up in a panic and get an instant headache and I ask her what she wants and she says for me to get up and come watch someone on tv cook a dish or talk about a book they’ve written or a discovery they’ve made. Sometimes I have difficulty falling back asleep after that. I’ve talked her about this many times and plastered signs on door requesting that she not talk to me and it works for a few weeks then she’s back at it again and I make a new sign for the door when she starts ignoring the old one. If I get hurt in any way physically she yells at me (it’s been that way since I was a little girl) instead of trying to help me or comfort me. She says she can’t have a life for taking care of me. I go to the doctor once a week and she says that prevents her from having job. I don’t drive because of the medications I was taking but now that I am getting stronger I have plans to learn to drive. My mother pressured me to drive at sixteen even though I was on medication that made me feel exhausted almost as soon as I would take it. My current doctor tells me I made a very adult decision not to drive under those conditions despite my mother pressuring me. I am getting better now but my mother acts like I am all consuming of her and she says things to me like thank you for letting me take a shower. It’s so nice to be able to do something like this for mylsef. Even though she can take a shower pretty much anytime she wants. She is also obsessed with my eating habits. If she doesn’t see me eat then to her that means I didn’t and she is afraid I will pass ourfrom low blood sugar (which is not a health problem I have). If she knows I am trying to lose weight she brings how sweets and tells me to just take one bite and that it won’t hurt me and sometimes she pushes a spoon filled with food up against my lips and then pretends like the spoon is in airplane and says eat your food baby . I am a fashion designer (since age four) and a songwriter (since age twelve) and my mother thinks that if I go in that career direction that I will become a slut and that I am only doing those things to get sexual attention because she says I want to be a whore. But designing and writing is a craft that comes naturally to me. My mother gets angry and tells me to stop if I express mylsef- it doesn’t matter if I am crying, happy, acting silly or dancing. She used to spank me for dancing innocently at four and it still upsets her to this day. She tries to use religion against me to control me asking me if I would dance like that in front of Jesus or if i would sing or wear a dress like that in front of Jesus and tells me that if I don’t honor her and obey her God won’t give me a long a life. Shes admitted that my expression embarrasses her and she fears people will think shes a bad parent. And she tells me people will think bad of me and she says stop! People are looking if we are in public and Im expressing mylsef a little, and I stop only to notice no one is looking. Her biggest fear for me is that I would have sex outside of marriage and get pregnant and she lectures me a lot about it even though I am old enough to decide for mylsef. Everytime I save up some money she takes it. Recently she stole $600 from me. She also belittles me and tells me how do simple things like make a ham sandwich, she told me to put the meat between the two pieces bread and she tells me hot to wash a frying pan or how to cook hamburger meat and she asks me if I washed my hands before we eat. She watches tv non stop and when I am on the room with her while she’s watching tv she changes the channel if a bedroom scene comes on. She takes parenting advise that she hears on tv for parents of toddlers and tries to apply it to me. For instance, if we are in the car going shopping or to a movie and if she gets mad at me she turns the car around and drives home because she heard that’s how you respond if your toddler is acting out. I ask her if she is trying to punish me and she says yes she is and she says because she can. She’s told me I can live with her forever. And gives me examples of mothers and daughters that are older than me and live together and are just as happy as can be. When I was little she told me I could live in a trailer in her back yard and now she says she wants to buy a house with two master bedrooms one for me and one for her or if not that she wants me to live in a guest house in her yard or says we could be next door neighbors or at least live in the same neighborhood. One time when I was extremely sick before she divorced my father and when he still lived with us I felt my body getting weaker and weaker and I had her move me into a condo so that I wouldn’t die from the stress my father put on me along with my condition. She hired nurses and doctors to come out to my condo and care for me and they were amazed I recovered. One nurse told my mom most people that go through what I went though get cancer and die and that I was very strong. When I was at the condo in 2006 and started to recover and slowly begin to have a life my mother called me all the time. In ten days time she had left me 30 voicemails and that’s just the voicemails, the calls I missed that doesn’t count how many times she called me during those ten days. When I felt strong enough to hold a job she laughed at me for working for only $7.95 an hour in a pet store for three days a week but it was all I could do and I wanted to do something. In December 2006 someone tried to break into my condo and the police couldn’t catch them and they kept coming back and I got scared and moved back in with parents and eventually my illness came back. If I try something new and do not do it perfectly the first time she is disappointed in me and acts like I can’t do whatever I am attempting, it’s been that way since I was little and still is. Mistakes are not allowed, neither is learning- not to her anyways. That makes me feel pressured. Also when she is in a rage she throws objects and just screams out, and sometimes pulls her own hair and screams out while she makes a crazy face at me. She also blames me for her health problems saying I caused them even those it’s conditions she’s had since before I was born. My question is how to I remain focused and positive while I am trying to focus on getting out? Or what are some ways I can cope until I get out? When she loses control sometimes it takes me hours or a day to recover and focus again. Thank you much for reading this. I also have anxiety from time to time. Any tips will be much appreciated.